September 3, 2016

Robbing a bank, Adam Jensen-style

As we all know, banks are important, respectable institutions that perform an important function in our modern capitalist economy, and do not at all parasitically suck on the livelihoods of working people and the middle class alike. As such, robbing them is morally wrong, certainly a worse offense than rape or killing innocent Black people / children according to most courts.

However, had we lived in a different world - say, the world of Deus Ex - where banks are cruel, greedy institutions whose main function is to facilitate the transfer of money and property from the poor to the rich, you could think that robbing them would not be such a terrible thing, and might even be an entirely legitimate way of rebelling against the vile plutocracy to which the world has descended.

I cannot stress this enough, especially if you're with the US State Department and might reconsider that Visa you gave me: you should never rob a bank in real life. It is wrong, and you will get caught, and you'll blame me, and I don't need that in my life. But if you wanted to rob a bank in Deus Ex: Mankind Divided, you've come to the right place.


So you're at the bank you wanted to rob and what do you know, there's a security camera, a guard and a receptionist. This isn't going to be as simple as you thought! What should you do next? You might think you should go ahead and do this:


But you see, shooting up the place is a bad idea, because then this will happen:


Instead, opt for the silent approach - break into some offices!


Problem: some civilians are hanging around and will alert a guard if they see you trying to hack the keypad. What to do, what to do? Eh, I'll go get a drink and think about it.


What to do, what to do...

Wait.


I've got an idea.


Get those vending machines and place them between the civilians and the pad...


And get to work!


Of course, try not to accidentally hit bystanders with the vending machine, or they might realize something's not quite right.


When you're done, just move the machines to the next spot until you find an access card to the vaults, and voila! Everything in the bank is yours, and you didn't even have to fire a single bullet.

Keep digging, though, for a bank's true treasure lies not in its vaults, but in the finite wisdom of its management, often shared during meetings. Stick around, and you lower-class slobs might just learn something.


Yeah, I wouldn't cross that security breach off the wall just yet.

Please don't take away my Visa.

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